What to Say When Someone Loses a Close Friend

Losing someone we love deeply is one of the most heart-wrenching experiences in life. When that person is a close friend - someone who has been by our side for years, knows us inside and out, with whom we've shared countless special moments and memories - the grief can feel profoundly personal and challenging to process.

As loved ones, we naturally want to surround the bereaved friend with comfort and support, but may struggle with finding the right words of condolence. We fear saying the wrong thing that may inadvertently cause more pain. If one of your dear friends is mourning the loss of another friend, here are some suggestions on what to say and what to avoid during this incredibly difficult time:

What to Say

"I'm so sorry you're going through this devastating loss. I know how incredibly close you and [friend's name] were."  Directly acknowledging the intimacy of their friendship and depth of their bond validates just how significant this loss truly is.

"[Friend's name] was such a wonderful, special person and their friendship brought you so much joy. It's okay to feel everything you're feeling right now - the sadness, anger, regrets. Grief has no rules or timeline." This reminds them to honor the beautiful connection they shared, while giving full permission for the intensity and fluctuation of their emotions.

"What is one of your most cherished memories together? I'd love for you to share something." Asking gentle questions to spark positive recollections provides therapeutic opportunities to celebrate their friend's vibrance and uniqueness.

"I'm here anytime you need to laugh, cry, vent or simply share stories and feelings about [friend's name]. I'll hold space for you with no judgment." Making it clear you are fully available to listen without an agenda or advice affirms you understand this is their personal journey.

"I wish I could take this unbearable pain away from you. All I can say is that I'm here and you don't have to grieve alone."  Simply expressing you'll be present and a supportive presence, without empty reassurances, can be profoundly comforting.

What to Avoid

"They're in a better place now and no longer suffering."  However meant, this dismisses and diminishes their very real grief. Until the intense pain begins to ease, there is no consolation.

"At least you have other friends and family to get you through this." While support systems are essential, this unintentionally negates the uniqueness of each friendship and the magnitude of this specific loss.

"Everything happens for a reason."  Grief renders spiritual platitudes hollow. This sounds trite when someone is drowning in fresh heartbreak.

"I understand how you feel." Unless you've experienced an eerily similar loss, it's best not to make claims about comprehending the depth of their complex emotions.

"You had so many great years and memories together." Comments that minimize the loss because of a friendship's duration end up diminishing its significance.

"They lived a good, long life." Even if true, this fails to provide any solace and glosses over the anguish of premature death.

Finding the Right Words

While there are no perfect words in the face of such a painful loss, simply being present and avoiding comments that unintentionally diminish their grief go further than empty reassurances. Listening without judgment, affirming how significant and special the friendship was, and reminding them to nurture themselves provides true comfort and solace during this unfathomable time of mourning a dear friend.

At Eirene, we believe that end-of-life planning should be comforting, transparent, and dignified. Too often, families struggle with the chaos, opacity, and expense of conventional funeral arrangements. We envision a better way - one centered on the belief that the end of life deserves as much beauty, grace, and meaning as the moments that came before.