What to Say (and Not Say) When Someone Loses Their Mom
Losing a mother is an incredibly difficult and painful experience. For many, a mom is one of the most important people in our lives - our first nurturer, our biggest supporter, and Our family's matriarch. When they pass away, the grief can feel both insurmountable and impossible to put into words.
As friends or family members, we want to provide comfort and solace, but often struggle to find the right words of condolence. We may unintentionally minimize the pain or say things that, though well-meaning, end up causing more hurt. If someone you care about is grieving the loss of their mother, consider these suggestions on what to say and what to avoid:
What to Say
"I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your mom meant the world to you and I know how devastating her loss is." A direct acknowledgment of the person's profound grief, along with recognizing their deep connection to and love for their mother, can help them feel understood during this tragedy.
"They raised such a wonderful son/daughter and her love lives on through you." Honoring the mother's legacy by complimenting her parenting and the extraordinary human they raised affirms that they led a meaningful life that positively impacted others. This provides a sense of her spirit carrying on.
"What was your favorite memory of your mom? I'd love to hear about her." Asking the bereaved to share happy memories and stories about their mom is therapeutic and celebrates the joy they brought during her lifetime. These recollections are precious to hold onto.
"You had such a special bond. They will forever be a part of you." Recognizing their close relationship and deep connection reminds the griever that their mom will always remain within their heart and soul, even in her physical absence.
"I'm here if you ever want to talk, vent, cry or just need me to listen." Simply making it clear you are available to lend a compassionate, judgment-free ear as the person processes their intense and unpredictable waves of grief.
"Be patient and gentle with yourself as you grieve." Grief looks different for everyone. Reassuring them there is no right or wrong way to mourn gives the bereaved person freedom to feel the gamut of emotions.
What to Avoid
"They had such a great, long life." While likely accurate, comments that minimize the grief because the mom lived into older age come across as dismissive of the person's pain and sadness. Length of life has no bearing on the depth of loss.
"They're in a better place now and no longer suffering." Grieving people know you mean well, but these comments attempt to redirect their feelings toward perceived positives. It's best to allow them to sit with their rawness without trying to reframe things.
"Your mom wouldn't want you to be so upset and dwell on this. They'd want you to be happy." This makes grievers feel guilty for feeling their very real emotions. It's more helpful to validate their right and need to feel the sorrow as it comes.
"You're the man/woman of the family now." Positioning the person as immediately having to take over their mom's matriarch role puts unfair pressure on them before they've even begun to process the loss.
"At least they're no longer in pain." While sometimes true when the mom suffered a terminal illness, these comments inadvertently devalue her life before the suffering began. Focus on cherishing her memory before the illness.
"Time heals all wounds." Grief is a highly personal journey with no set timeline for healing. Comments that imply the grief should quickly fade are unfair and incorrect - the loss becomes absorbed into life, but is never truly "healed".
Finding the Right Words When Someone Loses Their Mom
The grief of losing one's mom cuts incredibly deep. They was often the first person we loved and the embodiment of nurturing, affection and family. When they passes, that void is soul-shaking.
As loved ones, the most meaningful things we can do are to create a space of compassion, avoid trite comments even if well-meant, and validate the immense significance of the loss. Simple presence and acknowledgment of the profound grief provide more solace than any words ever could.
At Eirene, we believe that end-of-life planning should be comforting, transparent, and dignified. Too often, families struggle with the chaos, opacity, and expense of conventional funeral arrangements. We envision a better way - one centered on the belief that the end of life deserves as much beauty, grace, and meaning as the moments that came before.
